Trials, temptations, inner frustrations, regrets, failed attempts, false hopes, ungranted desires, shortcomings. ANGER, Lord why have you put me through this, I thought you loved me?????????? You are not supposed to treat the people you love like this! What did I do to deserve this? My living situation sucks, no heat and I have been commuting by taxi every day of the semester! Most of my grades suck and I feel like I'm studying in vain! I can not explain half of what has happened to me this semester both good and bad! I don't understand if I am giving God my all why isn't HE reciprocating this action. For most of the semester I felt like I was in the desert lost with no vegetation to eat or deserted at sea with no buoy to keep me afloat. I kept getting disappointment after disappointment. In lieu of adjusting to this new and strange environment and the rigorous academic course work I had a weird living situation which I wont delve into details but lets just say that awkward was an understatement!
Most of my academic career since college has been plagued with self doubt. I have experienced qualms about every semester since my first semester in my undergraduate studies. Every semester was an uphill battle. Somehow I thought Grad. School was going to be different, I was hoping since I had matured from my college days and wasn't the same bright eyed kid you saw in Syracuse, that the tides were going to change in my favor. I earned an A on my first test, which established some sort of wayward confidence and at first I was fooled, the direction of the wind was in unison with the boat and I was smooth sailing! However, shortly after, the tides became turbulent and I was quickly thrown off course! I earned a C on my Pharmacology exam! Oh no I cant believe it, undergrad all over again! I panicked and met with my professor. I soon learned that my pharmacology class had what my friend and I call "SHARKS" (extremely competitive undergraduate students). If you didn't know Stony Brook is one of the premier science schools in the North East and maybe in the country. I say this in the most humble tone as I just want to describe the competitive atmosphere in Stony. Most students will stop at nothing to receive an A even if it means stabbing a friend in the back. The classes are intense and undergrads are cut throat, their ferocity stems from the supposed fact that only a certain amount of students get As (around 10 percent). These students that pursue medicine comprise a huge population of kids and compete for a limited amount of spots which explains the survival of the fittest mentality. I struggled to come to terms with my failure, nightmares of pre-med years were revived! I was crying out to God for help.
One day I was printing something out in the computer lab when I saw a girl with a sweater that said Jesus on the back of it. I quickly approached her without being creepy and yet she still seemed startled! I asked her about the group on her hoodie and she said it was Intervarsity. I asked how I could get involved and she told me to email Yekito and to inquire about BASIC (Brothers and Sisters in Christ)! That Monday I couldn't attend but I did the following Monday and it was truly amazing. First we praised and worshiped and then a girl named Esther prayed over me. She knew exactly what I was going through I never had anybody pray over me which I found weird and then people hit the ground and I was taken aback! That was my initial reaction but soon after I learned that it was a sincere sign of praise to the everlasting God! The Lord has been planting seeds in my spirit for a very long time through many different individuals! A couple of weeks after I joined BASIC I went on the retreat and it was amazing! I mean like the workshops and the fellowship was awesome! I met two young girls that were daughters of pentecostal ministers and I enjoyed interacting with them and giving them my advice on different life issues. On the retreat I rediscovered my purpose in life and had a renewed outlook and vigor for life! I felt like the Lord has been calling me to go on a missions trip! I really want to go on a missions trip soon, preferably this summer (if its God will)!